I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
