Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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