This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
