So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
