apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
