just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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