So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
