just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
