It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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