My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
