Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
