i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
