I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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