there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
