We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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