Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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