Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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