moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
