My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
