there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i love accidental penises.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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