I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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