I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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