she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wish there were birth control emojis
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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