the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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