I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
