your thong is hanging out like whoa
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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