Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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