She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
