Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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