hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
