I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
