So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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