I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
did you just send me my own nude
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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