I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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