I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
