I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
