My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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