She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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