You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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