you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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