whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
