I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
