Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
