I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
