Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
