you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
