i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
