Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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