I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
