How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
